There are many ways to deal with stress. It's difficult to avoid many of the sources of stress that
we are exposed to. We can't always change situations that are highly stressful at work, at home
and even at play, as they are often beyond our control. Healing Heart support groups address the
issue by learning how to better handle the stress we encounter. This places more emphasis on
assuming control of our own lives. It puts the responsibility for dealing with stress on ourselves,
the one force in this world we each have the power to change.
To deal with stress first we must determine what is the source. There are many different kinds
of stress and any combination of them may affect us. On its simplest level, stress is any situation
which makes demands on us that are greater than our capability to deal with at the time. This
can affect us physically, when our efforts fail to accomplish what we attempt. It can also be
psychological, when pressures can disturb our emotional balance. For some it may cause
discomfort, for others it may lead to misery and helplessness, and for a few, the loss of their
ability to function at all.
How we see a situation or problem usually determines the stress we experience. The same
situation that one person considers pleasant can be threatening to another. Going to the top of
a high open structure makes me uncomfortable, and as I get closer to the edge, I feel more
anxious and can't wait to get back down to ground level. If I look down, I get even more
uncomfortable, so I try to focus on anything other than the height. To another person, height may
not be the slightest unnerving. It may even be enjoyable. We can learn how to look at stress
causing factors in different ways, training ourselves to be less affected by them. We can learn
how to change the way we see ourselves as we relate to stressful conditions, reducing and even
eliminating their influence.
One of the most common sources of stress is change. Most of us can remember the stress we
went through during the physical and emotional changes in our teens. We saw our body change
and demands were made on us in emotions, responsibility, obligations and more. Like it or not,
change is part of life. Nothing is as stable or as permanent as we might prefer. A new boss, a
new relationship, a new baby, a different assignment, a crippled car, a sudden new pain are
changes that can threaten our delicate balance and can make us anxious. Even small changes can
bring discomfort; the change of an actor in a TV program, a change in the taste of a food or soft
drink, or a new pair of shoes. How we recognize and how we deal with these factors will
determine what amount of stress they cause us. Find out what is causing your stress and
understand how you are reacting to it.
In doing this kind of self-evaluation on myself, I found that I had been using denial to avoid
recognizing causes of my stress. When I had to dash across a street or move large amounts of
dirt in my garden, I had a cold tightening pressure in my chest. It hurt, but I didn't want to deal
with the possibility of what it could be. So I quickly forgot it. When my physician asked me
if I had any chest pains, I answered no . I told myself that I hadn't, that what I felt was a
temporary muscle cramp or strain. It was my way of dealing (very poorly) with that stress. I was
avoiding the problem. Denying reality could have cost me my life!
Avoidance can have many forms. When we shut off our feelings, hiding them from others and
ourselves, we can pretend they don't exist. We focus on other things, occupy ourselves with
things to keep us busy, or do things to get people to react to other aspects of our behavior (from
positive ones like making ourselves useful and needed to negative ones like being argumentative
and hostile). Avoidance can be a positive way of dealing with some things, but it needs to be
recognized and then examined to find out if the avoidance we are using is productive in dealing
with the stress. Some people will use drugs, including alcohol and tobacco, or even abuse food,
to cope with their distress or try to hide from it. This might be useful if that made the problem
go away, but since it doesn't deal with the source of the stress, it may even make it worse. Dr.
Jon Kabat-Zinn says it well, The healthy alternative to being caught up in this self-destructive
pattern is to stop reacting to stress and start responding to it .
Back in the earliest dawn of our civilization stress factors were simple: confronting a large
animal, a battle with another tribe, a fight for a warm cave. To react to threat, our body produces
substances to keep us alert and keep our heart beat and blood pressure elevated. When faced with
a threat, our ancestors had the choice of either defending themselves or trying to get away from
the threat as quickly as possible. This is called the fight-or-flight reaction. It was appropriate for
situations that brought about stress at that time, but in the complex world we live in today, fight-
or-flight may not only be inappropriate, but it may also be harmful. This reaction still happens
automatically, and unless we train ourselves to find other ways to deal with threats, we often
continue to react in an unproductive way.
Learning to respond appropriately to stress, rather than reacting, requires the ability to focus; to
center one's consciousness. Like some forms of meditation, it is a skill that is built with practice,
and becomes easier and more automatic with time. Replacing the immediate fight-or-flight
reaction with an appropriate response requires being aware of your reactions, as well as
understanding their source. Being upset, losing your cool or wanting to take some kind of action
is part of the reaction, and it needs to be replaced with a calmer, more peaceful activity before
it can be controlled. Centering on some regular, rhythmic activity is often a way to recover.
Many people concentrate on their breathing, listening to the sound of each breath and
concentrating on the lungs filling and emptying.
Imaging is another technique for preventing automatic reactions from taking control. As an
unpleasant situation begins to fill you with discomfort, try picturing a particularly pleasant
experience. I remember the feeling I had the first time I climbed to the top of a mountain and
looked down at the clouds, waterfalls and shaded valleys below. It was a special moment, not
just because I made it to the top, but because I was seeing it for the first time and for the joy it
gave me. In everyone's life there are many experiences that when remembered and focused upon,
will bring a feeling of peace or satisfaction. When you feel a negative reaction to stress coming
on, choose a pleasant, soothing image and let yourself go to that place again.
The different images we tend to create for ourselves are a real barrier to understanding who we
really are. Some people call this a role, since it is often not who we really are, but who we think
we must be. The roles we play differ according to the demands made on us. As a parent, we may
be the authority; as an employee, we may feel we are without power, that we cannot avoid being
pushed around.
A good way to get a better handle on the various roles you take in a typical day is to write down
all the titles you have. Son/daughter, sister/brother, parent, spouse, breadwinner, caretaker,
patient, companion, worker, boss, taxpayer, repair person, messenger, chauffeur, listener,
stabilizer, spender, buddy, fun-maker and more. After you have a list of your roles, write down
what is required to assume each role. Is the authority part of being a parent something you have
special skills in, or are you assuming a posture , a pose to convince others (and maybe yourself)
that you are capable in that role?
Often we assume roles to keep us from having to deal with our lack of confidence or ability in
another role. People who let their job keep them away from home to the point where their spouse
complains may be uncertain about their role at home. For this person, the job role may be
familiar, comfortable and rewarding, but that may not be the case in other roles. Sometimes,
when a role is unclear or uncomfortable, a person avoids it. The example of the husband who
comes home from work, watches TV, works on his car or goes out for recreation with his friends,
and never seems to be there when he's at home, might be a case of not accepting or feeling
comfortable in the husband/parent role. If a particular role gives a person power, the temptation
to stay in that place as much as possible may become like an addiction. Power is much like a
drug, the more one has, the more one seems to need. Focusing on how to empower ourselves and
less on the need to exert power over others can often lower stress levels considerably.
Another interesting way to assess the roles we assume is to ask others to let us know what roles
they see us in. Rather than have them tell you, and risk an argument, you might ask them to
write these down. Ask them to describe the way you perform these roles after they list them, with
all the positive and negative behaviors they find for you in each role. Be sure you really want
to hear this, sometimes the information you get may add to your stress. Seeing the difference
between the way others see us and the way we see ourselves can help us put our behavior in
perspective. Once you have a clearer idea of your roles, you can begin to use that information
to see how you deal with stress in each role; whether you are reacting or responding. You can
use these to learn better ways of reducing stress.
Interpersonal stress, comes from the way we deal with others. Even though there is a stress
potential whenever we relate with other people, research findings show that we live longer and
have less heart disease when we live with others than when we are alone. Yet some people avoid
relationships, keeping as much to themselves as possible, perhaps since some of their past
interactions were unsuccessful. We all have our strengths and weakness in interpersonal skills,
and it is important to know that we can learn to improve them, leading to greater success and
lower interpersonal stress.
There's a popular that t-shirt bears this caption: Insanity is inherited, you get it from your
children. This may give parents a smile, but most people believe much of our behavior is
genetically determined. We pick up behavior patterns from our family and friends early in our
life, but they are more often learned than inherited. We do what we've seen others do, even
though we may not realize what we have seen. Sometimes we continue to do it even when we
know it doesn't work. Ironically, when the way we deal with a machine isn't productive, we
usually change our approach. Most of us are a lot less flexible when it comes to dealing with
people, and as a result, we give ourselves unneeded stress.
When we see people who are commonly impolite, hostile or aggressive, we're usually seeing
people who aren't secure about their own feelings and have a poor understanding of what is
expected of them. They may feel a need to control the situation, even though they know they will
get a negative reaction from others. As a form of interpersonal communication, it isn't functional
or beneficial, but it may give them the feeling that they are in control. If we react, we play into
their hands. If we respond, without getting caught up in their behavior, we keep our own stress
under control, and they find that their actions won't work with us.
Effective interpersonal communications also requires a willingness to listen to the other person.
Not just to hear the words, but to consider the feelings, meanings and needs of others. In disputes
when labor confronts management, both sides have a set picture of the other side, and they know
what they want to give and take. At first, extreme positions are often taken, but as the sides
negotiate, they get closer to a compromise. The negotiators themselves are rarely as rigid as the
people they represent. They might ask, with sincere interest, about the other negotiator's family,
and share news of their own. That doesn't mean they weaken their position or give anything
away. Experienced negotiators know that differences between them will eventually be settled, so
they seldom allow personal feelings to interfere. They can settle major issues without creating
an additional burden of personal stress. We all can learn to deal with difficult issues with a
minimum of stress. We have to learn how to respond appropriately rather than react emotionally.
Often our words, especially when emotions are high, are inflammatory reactions. They can
escalate into damaging exchanges and are likely to bring fiery words that will be later regretted.
Instead of dealing with the issues that caused the emotions, the emotional reactions themselves
burn and scar, often taking the focus from the issue that set it off. An extinguisher is needed at
that time, sounding something like I never looked at it that way before. Let me think about it.
or You've got a really good point there and Let's work together on this, we can probably settle
it. Controlling the flames is not always possible, but fires that are not fed with fuel soon burn
themselves out. You can usually avoid escalating the situation by keeping quiet or possibly going
(calmly and courteously) to another room.
I remember having a person become even angrier at me when I said I'm sorry, I hadn't looked
at it from your point of view before . When I asked her later why she got even madder when I
apologized, she said that she had her arguments all ready and was frustrated when she didn't get
to use them. We have to be ready to back down, take what is offered, and go on from there. A
rigid position is often a reflection of a rigid person. When the stress of the wind pushes it, the
tree that doesn't bend, breaks. We can learn to be like bamboo, to bend when pushed, and
survive.
Job stress is much like any other kind of stress, except we may deal with it in different ways.
When things get so difficult at work that we can't handle it, we may develop injuries and
illnesses that keep us away. When people face stress at work, they often feel they have to take
it to protect their job and continue to earn a living. They complain to their friends, family and
co-workers, but the stress remains unchanged. At times, some of this stress may be intentionally
caused by bosses who believe that they can get more from their workers when they are uncertain
and uncomfortable. To effectively deal with job stress, the first step is to identify the source of
the pressure. Next, a list of potential ways of relieving the problem (and the possible
consequences of actually doing them) can be made. Consulting with others who care about what
happens to you is helpful in choosing any plan of action (which can include doing nothing).
Americans have another type of stress that is less often found in other parts of the world, our
preoccupation with time. To many, there isn't enough time in the day to get everything done.
Others can't find enough to do to fill their day. Almost everybody wears a watch. Many people
wear one 24 hours a day, even in the shower or while sleeping. As strange as it seems, a good
way to deal with not having enough time is to set aside a portion of your day for doing
absolutely nothing. That doesn't mean sitting down and thinking about all the things you have
to do or what you'd like to do, but doing and thinking absolutely nothing. If that sounds
impossible, you might benefit from a class in meditation, because that is a process meditation
teaches.
We often add stress to our lives by letting the events of the world affect us. Stories in the
newspaper, on TV or the radio can make us angry, anxious and confused. We often forget that
we have control over the on-off switch - we don't have to let these bother us. For a day with less
stress try a suggestion of Dr. Andrew Weil in his book Spontaneous Healing. Take a "newsfast".
Avoid all news sources, radio, TV, newspapers and newsmagazines for the whole day. You can
still read the comics and other fun features, but let go of the news. (The world will be pretty
much the same tomorrow, even without you knowing what happened.) If your one day newsfast
made you feel better or lowered your stress levels, try it once every week. You can later
increase it to twice a week - or as many days a week as you like. .
To become aware of the types of stress you encounter and how you are dealing with them, you
can keep a list of all the stressful events of the day. A pocket-size notebook is a good place to
enter it. Instead of waiting until later and possibly forgetting many important situations, you
should jot down each episode as it occurs for at least a week. As you later look over your list,
you'll recognize patterns of behavior that you never noticed before. It can help you to focus on
the situations that need to be dealt with differently, and the patterns will often indicate the way
to change. If you find a number of different things you'd like to modify, choose only one and
work on that until you feel you've made progress, then go on to a second area. Don't try to deal
with more than one at a time.
If you don't have enough time to learn how to deal with stress and to center your awareness to
bring you a sense of calm and to revitalize your mind and body, will you have enough time later
to be taken by ambulance to a hospital, to spend days there and weeks at home recovering from
that heart attack or stroke? A few minutes invested now may pay dividends for a lifetime.
When you start to get caught up in the rat-race, this thought may help put life in perspective:
Anxiety, pressure and worry have been recorded as human concerns since the first writings of
history, but only since the 1940's has its relationship to disease been popularly discussed. Since
then stress has been accused of causing almost every known disease or health problem. It is not
clearly established whether stress is a direct cause of coronary artery disease and heart attacks
or if it is a complication which adds to the risk when other factors are present. It is known that
psychological stress can cause arteries to constrict and spasm and that effectively dealing with
stress has a beneficial effect on both physical and emotional health.
I Hate You!
A powerful technique, active listening, comes from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Effectiveness Training
courses. It simply means to summarize what you've heard the other person say and tell that
person what you think you heard. In my private practice I remember a family with a young son
who, when he was denied anything he wanted, in this case an expensive radio, would yell, "I hate
you. I want a new family. I don't like anybody in this house. Nobody loves me. I want a new
radio". I doubt if he had any idea what he was saying, except that he wanted the radio. He'd keep
it up until they'd either give up - and give him what he wanted - or react in some way they
would be sorry about later and then, perhaps out of guilt, give him the radio. After the parents
understood how to respond to his attempts to get them to react, they learned to respond with
statements like "I understand you're upset that you can't have the radio ". The boy's puzzled
response to that was "Yeah, I sure want that radio". Seeing that there would be no reaction, he went off
peacefully to play with something else. The parents did not have to give in to his demands, did
not scold him for wanting something expensive and avoided conflict that might have led to bad
feelings on both sides. The emotional climate in their home became much more comfortable for
everyone.
The Power of Stress
A patient was sent to me who developed a paralysis of his right arm. He had been a bricklayer
for 35 years, but years of drinking had caught up with him and he could no longer lay a straight
line of bricks. He wasn't getting much work and he knew he wasn't doing a good job. One day
he awoke and found he couldn't raise his right arm above his waist. When x-rays and other tests
found no reason for his paralysis, he was sent to me for diagnosis and recommendations. After
exploring his feelings, emotions and concerns, I convinced his union to hire him as a job site
inspector, a job he did well. Within a month he had gradually regained the full use of his arm.
He had not been faking, his stress had been so great that his body reacted, causing his paralysis.
Headaches, back pain and other disabling conditions can have stress as their source.
The future is yet to be.
Today is a gift,
That's why we call it
The Present.
| ©1994, 1996, 2002 Dr. Neal Pinckney |
 |
Healing Heart
Foundation www.kumu.org |